I Will Not Submit
by missCrowne
Summary: This is Lenina's story: a girl without emotions, who fell in love anyway.
1. That awful lighthouse

_A/N: After John kills himself at the lighthouse, Lenina is left by herself. This is her story. _

* * *

><p><em>"I will not submit!" <em>

Slowly I woke up. The floor was hard and wet and the air was cold and silent. I was definitely not in my bedroom. With my eyes shut I searched my body for a pack of Soma. I didn't have any. A voice kept ringing in my ears. It was annoying and I didn't know what to do about it.

_"I will not submit!" _

I kept hearing it, but it wasn't like hypnopaedic tapes. It was as if it came from my own mind. The thought of my own mind producing such overwhelming thoughts, made me scared. I craved Soma more than ever. I knew the only way to get it, was to get up and go home. So, that's what I did. I opened my eyes and I stood up. Then I noticed the lighthouse. I recognized the lighthouse. A strange burning sensation covered my chest, as if I had eaten something rotten. The feeling was all consuming.

_John._

John was gone. I had tried to talk to him. Tried to explain to him how our world works. But his brain didn't seem to work the same as mine. He hit me. And then he had sex with me. I thought that finally he understood. But then he ran and he shouted.

_"I will not submit!"_

And then he was gone. He died and I was pretty sure it wasn't his time to go yet. _Ford._ I didn't understand any of this. I never understood John. But it was as if his words invaded my brain. And now, I didn't understand myself. _Soma._ I needed Soma. Soma would fix everything. I would forget about all these dreadful ideas and be cheerful. I needed to find Fanny. She'd know what to do and she wouldn't tell on me and my non-conformist thought to the new director, or Ford knows, the World Controller. She'd help. She'd have Soma.

Slowly I moved my feet in the muddy ground. They were heavy. Not heavy because there was mud sticking to my shoes, but heavy on the inside. Maybe I needed a pregnancy substitute. Fanny had had one. She had physical discomforts too. Maybe this was the same.

Where had everyone gone? Last night the place was crowded with people. Now, they had all left. Why was I still here? John was going to be turned into vosporous. Good for him. There was nothing here anymore. No other people. No fun. Why was I here? I tried to walk faster. Away from this awful place. I couldn't walk faster. My legs were weak.

Where was Bernard? Why didn't he help? He knew how strange John was. He should have done something. To help John. Or at the very least, to help me. I had realized long ago that Bernard was a selfish person. A selfish person in the World State was almost unheard of, but he was. He took John, he brought him to London to keep his job. It was selfish and it was stupid. Epsilon stupid. I had always defended Bernard, but he wasn't a good citizen. Maybe Fanny was right. Maybe it was the alcohol in his blood surrogate.

Why wasn't the rotting sensation going away? Why was John's voice still in my ear? I felt to check for chips. There weren't any. After a long walk I finally saw a lady. She was a Gamma, but I had no choice, I had to ask her.  
>"Miss, do you hear that voice?"<br>The woman looked at me strangely. Of course she did, she was a Gamma.

I asked again, now slower. "Miss. Do. You. Hear. That. Voice?"  
>She shook her head.<br>"No." She kept looking at me. "You sure you're a Beta?"  
>I nodded and confirmed the woman's silly question.<br>"Of course I'm a Beta."

Now I recognized the look. It was the way Fanny looked at Bernard. It was the way everyone looked at Bernard. This Gamma woman thought I was badly conditioned. I ran. I ran away, because I wasn't quite sure I wasn't badly conditioned.


	2. Fanny and Henry

_"I will not submit!"_

Why was I hearing this voice? Why was my body in so much discomfort? Finally I saw more and more citizens. I wasn't alone anymore. I felt lighter immediately. I stepped into the first Rocket Roadster that had a spot free and an hour later, I was back in London. Far away from that awful lighthouse. I walked to Fanny's apartment and knocked on the door. She opened the door quickly. Maybe she was expecting someone?

"Ford, Lenina!" She pulled me into her house and shut the door.  
>"You look horrible!" Fanny was shouting. She had been concerned with me before. This was different. This time I was afraid she might be right. She handed me a mirror. The sight of my own reflection frightened me. I indeed looked horrible. My face had unnatural colors. My hair wasn't neatly in a bun. My clothes were wrinkled and my eyes.. they seemed watered. I'd had eyes like this once before. When I was in Bernard's apartment after John had threatened me. I tossed away the mirror.<p>

"Fanny, I need Soma!"  
>Fanny came back with a pack and I took three. One cubic centimeter cures ten gloomy sentiment.<br>"You need to go Lenina."  
>The Soma hadn't taken effect yet, and Fanny was already sending me away. What was wrong with her? Why did she want to be alone? That didn't make any sense. Maybe she was joking. I stayed seated.<br>"Lenina." She demanded. I looked at her face. Hers looked quite normal. Was I really too ugly for her to look at? I was sure the Soma would take effect soon, and she could look at me again. It wasn't as if I looked like one of those awful Epsilons.  
>"I'll come back when I look better." I said.<p>

Next to the rotten sensation, there was know a sudden feeling of a insect sting in my ribs. I had felt that once, when I was in the Savage reservation. But that had been a small bug. This was a giant bug, stinging me inside my body.  
>Why wasn't the Soma working yet? Maybe I should see a doctor?<br>"You cannot come back!" Fanny shouted.  
><em>I didn't understand.<em>  
>"I don't understand."<br>"Your non-conformity is putting me in a harmful position. I'm afraid I cannot be seen with you anymore."

_"Your non-conformity"_

Fanny thought I was a non-conformist. I wasn't. I was just having some physical discomforts, that's all. I had done nothing wrong. Sure, I had dated Bernard, who had shown his non-conformity, but I had dated plenty of other men too. Besides, shouldn't my efforts to get through to Bernard be rewarded, instead of despised.  
>"Fanny! I'm not a non-conformist."<br>She didn't speak to me anymore. She took my arm and let me out the door. Again, I was alone. I remembered how Bernard had told John that even amongst others, he was always alone. I finally understood what he meant.

It seemed as though I didn't quite understand the world around me anymore. As if they we were all on a different frequency than I was. Like I was a different caste all together. Not a Beta anymore, but something else entirely. Maybe I could find Henry. He lived close to Fanny. I knocked on his door. He opened and closed it in the span of a second. I guess he too had heard of my _non-conformity. _


End file.
